Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. His parents are awful. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Im still trying to figure a way out of it, but I wish I hadnt given in to his demands in the first place. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Were in counseling together though, which is one of the reasons hes gotten better. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. He needs to get help and you need to do whats best for you and your career (and your sanity!). Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. He does worry about my safety. Please be safe, and let us know what happens. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). Its not just irrational, it doesnt even make sense from the control freak point of view. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. 6. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? Close Menu. Right!? Tell him to get over himself. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. There are many issues at play here. FYI: I mean crazy in a flippant sense not as an insult to any mental health issue. What about yourself? There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. I agree. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. Your level of trust in him. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. So, yeah, count me as baffled by his OMG, VEGAS IS SIN attitude. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Its a him issue. But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. What do you think?. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. Last time I was there staying at the Cosmo some HR conference started in the hotel (funny as an HR person) He is seriously out of whack and I would not put up with him. But don't worry, Daisy. Eventually I sat him down and said something along the lines of, Dude, youre stressing me out. Even with the additional information. Dont! It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. My wife has said that the best way to think about it is that theres a problem with how I view things. That doesnt seem fair! He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! My spouse travels for work all the time. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Not that it makes it ok, at all. Yes, this. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. Yeah. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. Sounds great. And my husband was completely fine with it. But no gambling! Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. seriously. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! after that. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. They go out of their way to watch everyone. Except I divorced mine. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! You go on trips, no one lets you go. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. Maybe LW could ask her own friends opinions, and LW, if you cant think of anyone to ask, is that because husband has systematically eliminated outside relationships? Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. But he didnt make a peep when we took her to Vegas for our wedding! I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. My jaw literally dropped. OP, go on the trip. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. Agreed! Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. I dont know that I am articulating this as succinctly as I could be, but I hope you know where Im coming from. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. And the shopping! Sorry for the confusion. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. -OPs husband, probably. None which should be affecting your ability to do your job. That actually happened to my parents! I have to comment on this one. She visited exactly once, got off in a suburb where the homes start at 300K and started screaming about getting shot at. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! Its just unacceptable. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . Wouldnt that bother you?. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. Agreed. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. I know that, but if I was in construction, or teaching, or something like that, maybe I wouldnt. She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. Yes, this. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. Does he not control other things about your life OP? We look out for each other. Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). And when he would occasionally go to conferences for work, she trusted him as well. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin. 8 1 11 1. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Thanks! How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. Its natural to want to care for your partner. Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? Usluge graevinskih radova niskogradnje. Youre the breadwinner? Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. This. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. I had a meeting at a school outside of the city and a friend was shocked that there are elementary schools there. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Agreed. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! I agree with the counseling suggestion. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). Thats a CA classic. rarely cede ground. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. I second counseling. The letter writer husband is waving some pretty sizable red flags. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Should I never go anywhere? I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. It is. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. I was fine. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. Vegas isnt the problem here. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. Could also be a mix of the two, or something nobody has thought of yet. This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. Husband needs to chill, big time. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. are there other situations that cause your husband this level of anxiety? And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. For the OP, thats the problem here. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. A month? the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Thats fine! This is definitely a sign of relationship problems and is not normal. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. I think on a more general level Spouse doesnt want me to go *can* be an actual, non-abusive thing, in certain circumstances (new baby at home for example, or a health crisis or other emergency where Hey, is there ANY way you can get out of this trip? might be a reasonable thing to ask.